Notes From the Gym

Let's be honest, when you are an overweight girl, the gym is not a friendly place.  In fact, it can be downright scary.  When I first began working out, I was lucky enough to go to The Fire, a very small gym that only had small group and personal training, with trainers who kicked my ass, helped me get in shape while inspiring me with tough love, and who helped me learn my way around a gym so I could work-out on my own.

I miss it and I miss my trainers.  Tremendously.  I have tried to recreate a smidgen of what I had, but it hasn't really worked out so well, and I've gotten to a point where I've realized I need to take on that role of trainer for myself.

The gym I go to now is huge, as in it used to be a grocery store and is the biggest of it's kind to date.  Most people who work out there are in crazy-good shape--huge muscley guys, and women who wear those teensy short shorts, that are the size of Derby Skinz, but you know, with no tights underneath.  Needless to say, this makes for some really interesting people watching.

My favorite are the girls (who usually come in pairs) who you can tell don't really workout in a gym, ever.  They are skinny and lacking muscle and I notice them because they wear outfits that amuse me (such as pants with Victoria's Secret's PINK bedazzled across their ass) and then spend the majority of time walking around giggling, while not really doing much in terms of working out.  And when they do pick up weights, they don't actually weigh much, and they usually just do a few reps before returning to walking around and giggling again.

Don't these just scream, "I'm ready to workout and sweat my ass off?"

It sounds funny, but I like seeing other overweight women (and men) there.  I always cheer silently for them (in my head).  I've also noticed that they are usually found on cardio machines, and not on weight machines or in the free weights.  It makes me want to show them how to use them, because once you know how, they are not so intimidating. Well, the free weight area is still a little intimidating to me, but I push past my fears and insecurities because free weights for arms give me a Much better workout than machines. 

There are also people at my gym who inspire me.  There is a girl I have seen from time to time who basically has the body I want.  She's not tiny, but she's fit and she's strong, with awesome muscle in her legs.  Then there's the muscley, in-shape guy in his late 40s/early 50s who I see almost every time I go, who is missing a leg.  It doesn't seem to hinder him or his workout.  He's pretty much a poster child to me, screaming in my head 'If I can do it, why can't you?!'  So, in answer to that question, I think it means I'm headed to the gym now.

Week 1

So, I'm a week into my 40 in 4 plan, and overall I've been doing pretty good.  I lost about 3 pounds, I've followed through every day on eating clean, weight trained 5 days this week and gotten in some form of cardio 5 days as well. 

Honestly, I was hoping to lose more.  In the past, Week 1 has always been the biggest in terms of weight loss.  Though I have also had some stressors this week that I think are partially responsible for this, including an ER visit for my partner, and me being really down on myself in derby. 

With that being said, some good things came from the week as well.  My mom and I went out to lunch at a place called Leafy Greens Cafe, a vegan, raw foods restaurant.  My mom had gone the week before and couldn't stop talking about how good it was, claiming how the 'pizza' with walnut and hemp seed crust topped with cashew hummus really tasted like pizza .  I was skeptical.  I've never really had much raw food.  But we went, and I got to try several things, including both soups, the pizza, and a hummus and greens sandwich on onion 'bread'.  Everything was delicious!  I couldn't believe that none of this was actually cooked.  The pineapple-cucumber gazpacho could have been dessert.  The 'pizza' somehow actually tasted like pizza!  The texture was not the same, but the taste was.  And the onion 'bread' was not actually bread at all, more like dehydrated onions and other stuff shaped like a wrap.  We also had kale chips on the side, which were the tastiest kale chips I have ever had.

Raw pizza with cashew hummus and a walnut and hemp seed crust

My mom loved the food so much that she hired a lady who works there to come and teach us how to make some of these items tomorrow, including the onion 'bread.'  I can't wait!

We also decided to make some kale chips on our own.  They were ridiculously easy to make and turned out delicious.  Basically you take kale and get rid of the stalks, add a tablespoon of olive oil, 2 tablespoons of braggs or some other soy sauce alternative, a sprinkle of garlic salt, and mix it around until each bit of the kale has a nice covering, add a shit-ton of nutritional yeast, and then put it in a dehydrator for a few hours.  I'm not much of a cook, so I was really quite proud of myself for making these, and having them turn out so tasty. 

I'm leaving for Seattle in about a week to play Rat City!, Oly Rollers!, and Jet City.  Leading up to my flight, I have derby practice 6 out of the 8 days.  I'm planning to get in at least 2 leg workouts without making any part of my legs too sore to skate effectively.  (This can be hard for me since my legs are my favorite body part to work out, because they are strong, kinda man-strong, and therefore really fun to workout and push to my limits.  Unfortunately, pushing my limits also means that awesome post-workout soreness, which can hinder my skating.)  I'd also like to lose a few more pounds and move down into the next group of tens on the scale.  But honestly, I would settle for looking just a wee bit better in pictures of me in my unforgiving uniform.

40 in 4

I've gotten to a point where I am, once again, unhappy with myself.  Since last September, I have gained 30 pounds.  And while I have plenty of justifications for how and why it happened, it grosses me out, and pisses me off.  So now, I have to do something about it.

So, I am committed.  I am going to lose 40 pounds in the next 4 months.  And here's how:
I am cutting out refined sugars, dairy, and most grains unless they are whole and brown.
I am replacing two meals a day with protein shakes.
I am lifting weights at least 5 days a week.
I am getting in cardio every day, either in the form of derby practice or on my own.
I am reading Think and Grow Thin by Charles D'Angelo and putting these things into practice.
I am remembering that I am more than my weight.

So, here I am...Day 1 and I am committed.

Not an Athlete, But Becoming Athletic (part 2)

Derby has this way of absolutely taking over your life.  Mostly in a good way.   There's a common saying in derby of, "I can't, I have derby."  It's totally true.  When there's not practice or a game to play in, there's a game to go watch, or league photos, or a committee meeting, or fill-in-the-blank. 

My original league was on the smaller side, and we got to a point where we were a big fish in a little pond, meaning we had been around long enough that we could beat almost every other smaller league around us.  But the few times we had competed against anyone in WFTDA, the governing body of roller derby, who hosts regional and national competitions, we had our asses handed to us.  When I first started playing again, I struggled to work my way up on the travel team.  There are 14 skaters allowed on a team during a game, and for my first few games back, I was #15.  As I continued to lose weight, and my speed and endurance improved, I began to climb up the roster.  By the time I made the decision to move to St Pete, I was a solid skater for the All-Stars.

However, I moved from a big fish in a little pond to a pretty decent sized fish in a much bigger, better pond.  Tampa has been ranked high enough to compete at regionals for the last few years.  While their position has varied, they have been everywhere from 6^th to 9^th place in the South Central region of WFTDA.  My number 1 goal with playing with Tampa was to make their travel team, the Tampa Tantrums, which I did!  I also made my 2^nd goal of making a roster.  We have a tournament coming up in a few weeks and I am on the roster of 15 they are taking.  Time will tell if I make my 3^rd goal of getting to actually play in a bout with them.

Not an Athlete, But Becoming Athletic (part 1)

I don’t think of myself as an athlete, though I suppose I would be considered one. I play roller derby.  I started when my original league formed back in 2006.  In all honesty, I was never awesome at it. I could knock someone down easily, but my speed and endurance always was a struggle. About three years ago, I hurt my knee, and began reffing. Reffing was great for me in terms of my self-esteem. I was still skating and I quickly became pretty good at it. In 2010, I was the head ref for my league and was reffing just about every weekend.

But then I started to miss hitting. It is an amazing feeling when you hit the jammer (the point scorer) and knock her into the crowd while you just keep on skating. However, I also knew that my speed and endurance had taken an even bigger dive in recent months.  During my last few months as a teacher (in 2010), because I was miserable and being treated poorly, and because I’m an emotional eater, I ate.  A lot. So, even though I went to my personal training classes twice a week, in the early spring of 2010, I was often too stressed out to spend the time at the gym and ate horrible food all throughout the day.  By July of 2010, I was at the heaviest I have ever been and felt fairly horrible about myself.  (See picture from Life After Teaching post)

Three things happened around that time. One, on my 29th birthday, I made a goal to be 80 pounds lighter by my 30th birthday and to finally have a body that I liked. Two, I started attending the newbie practices and working on my skating skills again. In November of 2010, I quit reffing and came back as a skater.  Three, I had the fortune of having Kam as a personal trainer, who is a tell-it-like-it-is hard-ass.  I had recently started working as a health coach with the Nopalea cactus juice that reduces inflammation, a health product.  One day at the gym, Kam took me aside and said something to the effect of, "Jenn, you've been coming to us for over a year and you look the same.  (In all reality, I probably looked a little worse.)  You're working in the health industry, and you need to look the part.  You need to be healthy.  You need to make changes in what you eat.  This starts tomorrow morning."  She told me that I needed to cut out just about everything from my diet except for clean foods.  I immediately hemmed and hawed and made a ton of excuses before giving in and starting a few days later.  The harshest and best thing she said to me was this: "You eat for your goals.  If your goal is to be fat and unhealthy, then you make the choice and eat a certain way.  If your goal is to lose weight and gain muscle and be fit, well, you eat a certain way for that too."

Since then, I began working my butt off. I began eating whole, clean foods, I began working out almost every day, and as a result, over the course of a year I lost 60 pounds, dropped 5 dress sizes, considerably increased my speed and endurance, and regained a ton of self-esteem.  I also gained muscle tone.  I'd always been really strong. But all of a sudden, I began love that my muscles were becoming more defined, especially in my arms and my calves.

The picture on the left is yet another super unflattering example of me at my worst.  The photo on the right was taken during a roller derby bout, of me about 60 pounds lighter, wearing the same bottoms.  Check out the beginning of my shoulder muscles.  (Also, I should mention that in the picture I was legally shoving my teammate into the opposing jammer, not illegally pushing an opposing player, which it kinda looks like I'm doing.)

While I am so proud of how far I have come, I have also gone through plenty of setbacks and struggles. I have been a part of three two-month weight loss type challenges, and done very well at them. However, in between challenges, I struggle and eat food I shouldn't and gain back some of the weight I have lost. 

Back in September, my partner Candy and I decided to move down to St Pete, Florida.  While moving was absolutely the best decision for us (both our families are here, we work with my family, we have an adorable home with a pool and a hot tub just five minutes from the beach, and we now get to skate with Tampa Roller Derby, a league I have looked up to since the beginning of my derby career), moving is also very stressful.  Selling my house in North Carolina was not fun.  We literally spent a solid week make it look like a model home, painting my cute purple trim a less flattering white, and clearing out enough stuff to fill a 26 foot truck (For real, 26 feet.  Lucky for me, Candy drove it down to Florida.) Then we moved all our stuff into storage.  We lived at my folks guest house for two months while house hunting, which meant we didn’t have our own space.  We also didn’t have a set routine and are just now starting to have one again.

From all of this, because I am a stress eater, because I need clean eating to be easy for me, and because Whole Foods and the vegetarian drive-thru are no longer 5 minutes away from me, I began to eat crappy foods, and surprisingly enough, I have gained some weight back.  Like 30 pounds.  So, now I need to get to a point where I am ready to make changes and get my weight back down.

Life After Teaching

I have spent quite a few years of my life defining myself first and foremost as a teacher.  I majored in Elementary Education, got a teaching job during that first summer and poured my life into my job.  I loved it.  I loved the kids, I made other teacher friends, and I felt like I was making a difference in the world.  I felt so fulfilled I didn't even mind all the politics that go into public education.  Until one day I did.

I spent the first five years teaching kindergarten, and I was pretty darn good at it too.  My students had fun, felt cared for, and usually left reading above the level they were expected to.  Then, I got a little bored doing the same stuff every year.  I wanted to challenge myself and be able to really delve into books with students who could understand it, so when the opening came, I moved up to 3rd grade.

For those of you who don't know, 3rd grade is the first year that No Child Left Behind really comes into play. For most states, it's the first time kids have to take standardized tests, and for all states it's the first gateway year, which means that if a student does not pass said standardized test, they have the potential to fail the grade.

Now, my favorite thing about the testing (and please pick up on my sarcasm here) is that kids come in at every level, but all children are expected to pass.  So this means of course the bright child, from the loving parents who are in the world of academia, is going to do just fine most of the time, while the kid with an IQ of 71 (just a point or two too smart to get extra help) who lives in the projects, and for whom child protection services have been called numerous times on the parents for neglect and/or physical abuse, well, that kid is going to score just as high as the other kid right?  No Child Left Behind sure thinks so.  As a teacher, I can easily take on the role of parent to all the kids who need it throughout the school day, I actually don't mind that, but when half your class needs a parent, there is only so much you can do.

Combine a very needy class with an administration who is completely unsupportive and constantly nitpicking at you for things that were totally fine last year, and you've got where I was just a few years ago.  And I was miserable.  It seems like every year, my administration would choose one or two teachers to make feel like they are as small as possible.  And usually,  if you make it past that year, you are fine.  One teacher got through that year and is now the golden child.  (But that also involved lots of sucking up, and that is just not my style.)

I spent my last school year trying so hard to keep just an ounce of self-esteem left, which I did, but just barely.  I had been working out with a small group personal training class but I often chose to go home and sleep as opposed to working out because I was just so exhausted.  And because I am a stress eater, I did just that, as often as possible.  Oh, someone brought cookies to the teachers lounge?  Well of course I'll have one or four every time I stop by there.  Tired in the middle of the day?  Might as well have a Mountain Dew and Milky Way Truffles from the vending machines cause it'll pick me up for at least an hour before I need to go get another one.

By the end of the school year, my self-esteem was pretty much shot and I was at the heaviest I have ever been in my life.  But here's how I know I kept just that little bit of self-esteem left.  I had just enough to know that I didn't deserve to be treated as badly as I was being treated and I quit.

After I quit, life got so much better.  Just like that, I wasn't in trouble all the time.  In a very professional move on her part (again please hear the sarcasm), my principal stopped talking to me altogether (which I did not mind one bit). The school year soon ended, and I was free.

 The above picture shows me, on the right, at my largest, just after the school year had ended, reffing a bout for Tampa Roller Derby.

 Life is funny sometimes.  Several years ago, if you asked me to describe myself in a few words, I would have definitely used teacher as one of them.  I've known other teachers who have left the profession and I have always wondered what they would do with their lives, like I just could not fathom how they could leave or what would happen when the identity of being a teacher leaves you.

Now, I don't miss it a bit. Well, okay, I miss some of my students, and I miss my teacher friends who I don't see nearly as often anymore.  (Two other teachers and I used to take a walk after school every afternoon to the sidewalk just off school property so they could smoke while we gossiped and vented about the day.)  It's funny too because anytime I run into someone I used to work with, the very first thing they say, "You look so relaxed!"

And that is where my journey to health and fitness first got started.

About This Blog

I have been working towards my goal of a healthy, fit body for about a year and a half now.  Through the whole process I have wanted to write about it, and honestly never got around to it.  So, here I am, getting around to it.  Yay me!