Month 1 / I'm Really Behind in Blogging

By the end of week 2 of my 40 in 4 plan, I lost 7 pounds!  I put in lots of time weight lifting and felt strong and pretty proud of myself.  However, I do this thing where I get in the way of my own progress my making excuses and then validating them.  Below are the many ways I validate my poor choices.

If we fast forward a week to the end of week 3, I did not weigh myself.  I was in Seattle for derby from Thursday through Monday and I'll be honest, traveling for derby, is not conducive to weight loss goals.  You'd think it would be since we played three games.  But eating in preparation for a bout while traveling usually means I'm eating more food than usual, eating more wheat and grains than usual, and having much less control over what foods are available.  

When we travel, we go as a team.  This is awesome in lots of ways-- it makes for lots of giggles, good times, and team bonding away from the track.  It also means that you get very little say in where we go and what we do.  (Not really a bad thing as long as you're okay with going with the flow.)  This means I eat as I find food I want, and I stretch what I allow myself to eat.

We got into Seattle late Thursday night.  Our first bout wasn't until Saturday, so we had all Friday to play!  We went down to Pike's Place Market, which is really just awesome to walk around, with crafts, street performers, tons of the prettiest flowers, fish throwing, and for real, the best tasting fruit I have ever had.  I bought several pears that don't look very good, but are just awesome, rainier cherries (I mean they're from right there), and some dried strawberries that taste like fruit leather.  Up the street we also found a gourmet popcorn shop with amazing flavors like salted caramel and hot wings and blue cheese.  While I was able to convince myself to steer clear of the Smores flavored popcorn, I had to buy the hot wings and blue cheese one. I tried to do good and just buy a small bag, but it was so tasty, I went the back the next day to get more.

Flowers from the market

While I didn't eat too badly in Seattle, I also couldn't say that I ate good.  Meals included super tasty vegan mac and cheese, late night spaghetti, and Benihana's   And Monday consisted of being ready to leave for the airport by 4am for our 6am flight.  A four hour flight with no food.  Rushing to the gate of the next three hour flight.  Getting home and scarfing down food only to go to our recruitment night practice where I felt like a zombie and was told I spent part of the time scrimmaging with only one eye open.  (Needless to say, I was fairly worthless in the scrimmage.)  Another skater said I deserved a treat for coming to practice.  So, of course I had to agree with her.  (Wendy's just came out with a strawberry shortcake frosty.)  We also had a friend staying with us who got a pretty bad concussion over the weekend, so Candy was helping to take care of her.  Well, she brought cookies.  (And with our friend not feeling good, I felt like I could eat some cookies for her.) 

Benihana's

For real, this is how my brain works.  It is so ridiculous because I am able to rationalize every bad decision I make.  (I do this in derby too (and the rest of my life) and have been told I need to stop.  But it's hard to stop when you do this all the time.  For example, in the Oly game, I went to the box for a major blocking out of play.  BUT, it was for hitting Psycho Babble as she was trying to jump the apex and I actually knocked her down, so in my head, it was totally worth the minute in the box.)

After being home for a few days, getting caught up on sleep, and being able to function like a human being again, I got back on track.  I began working out more, and actually utilizing my personal training sessions I've paid for.  My mom had someone come teach us how to make several raw foods that are so delicious.  We made cashew hummus, guacamole, onion bread and, chocolate pie.  All raw, all good for you.  And then she came back the next week, teaching us to make pineapple-cucumber gazpacho, raw key lime pie, and raw pizza. 

Cashew hummus and greens on onion bread, with raw chocolate pie

pineapple-cucumber gazpacho 

Overall, I hadn't been doing too badly, but then Candy went out of town for a week.  It's awesome for her--she's helping to teach roller derby bootcamps in Canada.  For me, it means a week by myself, which I haven't had in a Long time.  I'll be honest, I haven't really known what to do with myself.  I've been sleepy for no reason and unmotivated and this somehow equals me able to convince myself that I don't need to eat well.

Honestly, I sometimes drive myself crazy with all my excuses and validations.  It does however show me how much of an addiction food, or sugary, crappy, not-whole food, really is.  I need to be really solidly back on track.  I have several motivations for this, including being a better derby player, looking better in my wedding/commitment ceremony dress in December (which I bought last week and am totally in love with), and I want to become a personal trainer but feel I need to be in better shape before I do so, though I need some short term goals to help me with this as well.  Any ideas?

Just to be the Next to be With You

Roller Derby is one of the hardest things I have ever done.  The ups and downs of derby can be draining and rewarding, both physically and mentally.  (Sometimes, I have to take a step back and remind myself that my self-esteem (or lack thereof) is not and should not be contingent on how I am doing in derby.)

In the last year, my partner and I set of on a new adventure together and moved down to Tampa.  I am lucky enough to have made the all-star team, the Tampa Tantrums.  In my brief time on it, I have been reminded repeatedly why I am totally in love with my new team and so, I wanted to share some of the things that have happened.

1.  The Clover Cup in Dallas held a lot of firsts for me.  It was my first time playing roller derby on a big level, my first tournament, my first time as a full WFTDA skater, my first time playing a team as big as Houston, or even Omaha for that matter, and it was my first time playing as a Tampa Tantrum.  And overall, it was a pretty awesome first experience. 

Warming up for the game against Houston, I think I had a big stupid grin across my face the entire time because I was so frickin excited to play them (because of all those firsts).  And scared.  Mainly I think I was scared.  We started the game short two main blockers, one of whom had to fly home for work, another who was injured in a previous game and ended up needing to go to the hospital.

A few jams in, it was starting to look like it was going to be a good game.  But then one by one, our jammers got injured.  We started the bout with 3 jammers.  By the end of the first period, we had one.  Every time a jammer was got hurt, we had to switch around our line ups, turning blockers into jammers.  After our third jammer was taken off on a stretcher in the 2nd period, when our team was down to 10 players, we huddled together to figure out who would be jamming.

Here's the amazing thing...everyone pulled together.  Everyone stayed positive.  And everyone worked as a team, even though we lost by over 100 points. It's struggles like this that build a team.  And this was the moment I first realized how amazing my team really is.

2.  In our recent bout against the Atlanta Rollegirls, our pivot was putting her panty on.  The cover hit her in the eye and flipped her contact out.  The contact was somehow found, but by that point it had been rolled over and was split in half.  Another skater promptly took a contact out of her own eye to give it to our pivot.  That is some serious derby love.

3.  We, as a team, have recently begun singing together.  In Bella Trixx's words, "I didn't know I signed up for Roller Glee."  Well, she did. And personally, I think it is the best thing ever.  We have a few main songs in our repertoire (though our playlist is growing all the time), with the first (and my favorite) being To Be With You by Mr. Big.  We actually used it as our skate out song when we played Oly last week.  (Um, yeah, I said when we played OLY.  Remember above in #1 when I said Houston was the highest ranking team I had played.  Since then I have also played high ranking teams such as Naptown, Nashville, Rat City, and Oly!  Totally amazing.  And none of which I would have imagined a year ago.  I mean, when Oly began their cheer of Oly! Oly! Oly! Oi!Oi!Oi!, I almost started to cheer along with the 'Oi's' because, well, every other time I have seen them has been as an awestruck fan.)

In our bout against Jet City, one of our skaters was hit in the face hard enough that she got a really intense concussion.  While she was laying on the floor, waiting on the paramedics, she was slurring her words and fading in and out of consciousness.  She requested that we sing.  So we did.  We stood and serenaded her with To Be With You.  During our song was the first time she was able and actually trying to stay awake and conscious.

I love that my team comes together during these moments, the times when things are about as crappy as they can get.  It makes me proud to say that I am a Tampa Tantrum.  And lets me know that my lows of derby are worth it because I get to be a member of an amazing team where the highs are so much better.

P.S.  I feel like I can't really leave this out.  We have recently begun to wear fancy pants.  I mean, really, who doesn't love them some fancy pants?!

Notes From the Gym

Let's be honest, when you are an overweight girl, the gym is not a friendly place.  In fact, it can be downright scary.  When I first began working out, I was lucky enough to go to The Fire, a very small gym that only had small group and personal training, with trainers who kicked my ass, helped me get in shape while inspiring me with tough love, and who helped me learn my way around a gym so I could work-out on my own.

I miss it and I miss my trainers.  Tremendously.  I have tried to recreate a smidgen of what I had, but it hasn't really worked out so well, and I've gotten to a point where I've realized I need to take on that role of trainer for myself.

The gym I go to now is huge, as in it used to be a grocery store and is the biggest of it's kind to date.  Most people who work out there are in crazy-good shape--huge muscley guys, and women who wear those teensy short shorts, that are the size of Derby Skinz, but you know, with no tights underneath.  Needless to say, this makes for some really interesting people watching.

My favorite are the girls (who usually come in pairs) who you can tell don't really workout in a gym, ever.  They are skinny and lacking muscle and I notice them because they wear outfits that amuse me (such as pants with Victoria's Secret's PINK bedazzled across their ass) and then spend the majority of time walking around giggling, while not really doing much in terms of working out.  And when they do pick up weights, they don't actually weigh much, and they usually just do a few reps before returning to walking around and giggling again.

Don't these just scream, "I'm ready to workout and sweat my ass off?"

It sounds funny, but I like seeing other overweight women (and men) there.  I always cheer silently for them (in my head).  I've also noticed that they are usually found on cardio machines, and not on weight machines or in the free weights.  It makes me want to show them how to use them, because once you know how, they are not so intimidating. Well, the free weight area is still a little intimidating to me, but I push past my fears and insecurities because free weights for arms give me a Much better workout than machines. 

There are also people at my gym who inspire me.  There is a girl I have seen from time to time who basically has the body I want.  She's not tiny, but she's fit and she's strong, with awesome muscle in her legs.  Then there's the muscley, in-shape guy in his late 40s/early 50s who I see almost every time I go, who is missing a leg.  It doesn't seem to hinder him or his workout.  He's pretty much a poster child to me, screaming in my head 'If I can do it, why can't you?!'  So, in answer to that question, I think it means I'm headed to the gym now.

Week 1

So, I'm a week into my 40 in 4 plan, and overall I've been doing pretty good.  I lost about 3 pounds, I've followed through every day on eating clean, weight trained 5 days this week and gotten in some form of cardio 5 days as well. 

Honestly, I was hoping to lose more.  In the past, Week 1 has always been the biggest in terms of weight loss.  Though I have also had some stressors this week that I think are partially responsible for this, including an ER visit for my partner, and me being really down on myself in derby. 

With that being said, some good things came from the week as well.  My mom and I went out to lunch at a place called Leafy Greens Cafe, a vegan, raw foods restaurant.  My mom had gone the week before and couldn't stop talking about how good it was, claiming how the 'pizza' with walnut and hemp seed crust topped with cashew hummus really tasted like pizza .  I was skeptical.  I've never really had much raw food.  But we went, and I got to try several things, including both soups, the pizza, and a hummus and greens sandwich on onion 'bread'.  Everything was delicious!  I couldn't believe that none of this was actually cooked.  The pineapple-cucumber gazpacho could have been dessert.  The 'pizza' somehow actually tasted like pizza!  The texture was not the same, but the taste was.  And the onion 'bread' was not actually bread at all, more like dehydrated onions and other stuff shaped like a wrap.  We also had kale chips on the side, which were the tastiest kale chips I have ever had.

Raw pizza with cashew hummus and a walnut and hemp seed crust

My mom loved the food so much that she hired a lady who works there to come and teach us how to make some of these items tomorrow, including the onion 'bread.'  I can't wait!

We also decided to make some kale chips on our own.  They were ridiculously easy to make and turned out delicious.  Basically you take kale and get rid of the stalks, add a tablespoon of olive oil, 2 tablespoons of braggs or some other soy sauce alternative, a sprinkle of garlic salt, and mix it around until each bit of the kale has a nice covering, add a shit-ton of nutritional yeast, and then put it in a dehydrator for a few hours.  I'm not much of a cook, so I was really quite proud of myself for making these, and having them turn out so tasty. 

I'm leaving for Seattle in about a week to play Rat City!, Oly Rollers!, and Jet City.  Leading up to my flight, I have derby practice 6 out of the 8 days.  I'm planning to get in at least 2 leg workouts without making any part of my legs too sore to skate effectively.  (This can be hard for me since my legs are my favorite body part to work out, because they are strong, kinda man-strong, and therefore really fun to workout and push to my limits.  Unfortunately, pushing my limits also means that awesome post-workout soreness, which can hinder my skating.)  I'd also like to lose a few more pounds and move down into the next group of tens on the scale.  But honestly, I would settle for looking just a wee bit better in pictures of me in my unforgiving uniform.

40 in 4

I've gotten to a point where I am, once again, unhappy with myself.  Since last September, I have gained 30 pounds.  And while I have plenty of justifications for how and why it happened, it grosses me out, and pisses me off.  So now, I have to do something about it.

So, I am committed.  I am going to lose 40 pounds in the next 4 months.  And here's how:
I am cutting out refined sugars, dairy, and most grains unless they are whole and brown.
I am replacing two meals a day with protein shakes.
I am lifting weights at least 5 days a week.
I am getting in cardio every day, either in the form of derby practice or on my own.
I am reading Think and Grow Thin by Charles D'Angelo and putting these things into practice.
I am remembering that I am more than my weight.

So, here I am...Day 1 and I am committed.

Not an Athlete, But Becoming Athletic (part 2)

Derby has this way of absolutely taking over your life.  Mostly in a good way.   There's a common saying in derby of, "I can't, I have derby."  It's totally true.  When there's not practice or a game to play in, there's a game to go watch, or league photos, or a committee meeting, or fill-in-the-blank. 

My original league was on the smaller side, and we got to a point where we were a big fish in a little pond, meaning we had been around long enough that we could beat almost every other smaller league around us.  But the few times we had competed against anyone in WFTDA, the governing body of roller derby, who hosts regional and national competitions, we had our asses handed to us.  When I first started playing again, I struggled to work my way up on the travel team.  There are 14 skaters allowed on a team during a game, and for my first few games back, I was #15.  As I continued to lose weight, and my speed and endurance improved, I began to climb up the roster.  By the time I made the decision to move to St Pete, I was a solid skater for the All-Stars.

However, I moved from a big fish in a little pond to a pretty decent sized fish in a much bigger, better pond.  Tampa has been ranked high enough to compete at regionals for the last few years.  While their position has varied, they have been everywhere from 6^th to 9^th place in the South Central region of WFTDA.  My number 1 goal with playing with Tampa was to make their travel team, the Tampa Tantrums, which I did!  I also made my 2^nd goal of making a roster.  We have a tournament coming up in a few weeks and I am on the roster of 15 they are taking.  Time will tell if I make my 3^rd goal of getting to actually play in a bout with them.

Not an Athlete, But Becoming Athletic (part 1)

I don’t think of myself as an athlete, though I suppose I would be considered one. I play roller derby.  I started when my original league formed back in 2006.  In all honesty, I was never awesome at it. I could knock someone down easily, but my speed and endurance always was a struggle. About three years ago, I hurt my knee, and began reffing. Reffing was great for me in terms of my self-esteem. I was still skating and I quickly became pretty good at it. In 2010, I was the head ref for my league and was reffing just about every weekend.

But then I started to miss hitting. It is an amazing feeling when you hit the jammer (the point scorer) and knock her into the crowd while you just keep on skating. However, I also knew that my speed and endurance had taken an even bigger dive in recent months.  During my last few months as a teacher (in 2010), because I was miserable and being treated poorly, and because I’m an emotional eater, I ate.  A lot. So, even though I went to my personal training classes twice a week, in the early spring of 2010, I was often too stressed out to spend the time at the gym and ate horrible food all throughout the day.  By July of 2010, I was at the heaviest I have ever been and felt fairly horrible about myself.  (See picture from Life After Teaching post)

Three things happened around that time. One, on my 29th birthday, I made a goal to be 80 pounds lighter by my 30th birthday and to finally have a body that I liked. Two, I started attending the newbie practices and working on my skating skills again. In November of 2010, I quit reffing and came back as a skater.  Three, I had the fortune of having Kam as a personal trainer, who is a tell-it-like-it-is hard-ass.  I had recently started working as a health coach with the Nopalea cactus juice that reduces inflammation, a health product.  One day at the gym, Kam took me aside and said something to the effect of, "Jenn, you've been coming to us for over a year and you look the same.  (In all reality, I probably looked a little worse.)  You're working in the health industry, and you need to look the part.  You need to be healthy.  You need to make changes in what you eat.  This starts tomorrow morning."  She told me that I needed to cut out just about everything from my diet except for clean foods.  I immediately hemmed and hawed and made a ton of excuses before giving in and starting a few days later.  The harshest and best thing she said to me was this: "You eat for your goals.  If your goal is to be fat and unhealthy, then you make the choice and eat a certain way.  If your goal is to lose weight and gain muscle and be fit, well, you eat a certain way for that too."

Since then, I began working my butt off. I began eating whole, clean foods, I began working out almost every day, and as a result, over the course of a year I lost 60 pounds, dropped 5 dress sizes, considerably increased my speed and endurance, and regained a ton of self-esteem.  I also gained muscle tone.  I'd always been really strong. But all of a sudden, I began love that my muscles were becoming more defined, especially in my arms and my calves.

The picture on the left is yet another super unflattering example of me at my worst.  The photo on the right was taken during a roller derby bout, of me about 60 pounds lighter, wearing the same bottoms.  Check out the beginning of my shoulder muscles.  (Also, I should mention that in the picture I was legally shoving my teammate into the opposing jammer, not illegally pushing an opposing player, which it kinda looks like I'm doing.)

While I am so proud of how far I have come, I have also gone through plenty of setbacks and struggles. I have been a part of three two-month weight loss type challenges, and done very well at them. However, in between challenges, I struggle and eat food I shouldn't and gain back some of the weight I have lost. 

Back in September, my partner Candy and I decided to move down to St Pete, Florida.  While moving was absolutely the best decision for us (both our families are here, we work with my family, we have an adorable home with a pool and a hot tub just five minutes from the beach, and we now get to skate with Tampa Roller Derby, a league I have looked up to since the beginning of my derby career), moving is also very stressful.  Selling my house in North Carolina was not fun.  We literally spent a solid week make it look like a model home, painting my cute purple trim a less flattering white, and clearing out enough stuff to fill a 26 foot truck (For real, 26 feet.  Lucky for me, Candy drove it down to Florida.) Then we moved all our stuff into storage.  We lived at my folks guest house for two months while house hunting, which meant we didn’t have our own space.  We also didn’t have a set routine and are just now starting to have one again.

From all of this, because I am a stress eater, because I need clean eating to be easy for me, and because Whole Foods and the vegetarian drive-thru are no longer 5 minutes away from me, I began to eat crappy foods, and surprisingly enough, I have gained some weight back.  Like 30 pounds.  So, now I need to get to a point where I am ready to make changes and get my weight back down.